Life has a way of pushing you in certain directions to experience certain things. At least that’s the way I used to think of it. Being honest with myself and all of you, I am not in a good place in life. Just turning 20 this past Wednesday, it was not a good time. The day before my birthday,the switch in my car to roll the window up went out on the passenger side. As well on that day, being honest something that I had been working on for the past 8 months had fell through and had been taken away from me due to their mistake. Which left me distraught and wanting to give up. On my birthday, I found out that I failed a midterm exam that I was positive I would pass with an A. And the driver window switch then went out. And I don’t have AC. Driving has now become a thing I don’t like. Especially when having on makeup and it feels like you are sitting in a moving sauna.
With all that going on, that isn’t the reason why I’m in a bad place. The reason is because of how I handled everything and how I’ve been handling things my whole life. I may not show it, but I hold on to a lot of things. Including the small things. I let the things around me control me in many factors. Not only that but I have noticed I have a lot of built of anger if I’m to be honest, and getting out of bed has become harder and harder to do. The anger isn’t so much with other people, but the anger is with myself. We all have the opportunity to be great. I’ve had so much time to work on this platform and what I believe is a dream I have kept hidden. But I have been spoiled with it. Becoming extremely discouraged if I didn’t see a change right then and there and wanting to give up completely, thus not being consistent. I’ve never given up on any of passions, but I have set them down when discouraged and not put in the same effort as I did before. So I guess in a way I have given up.
I feel unhealthy, upset with myself, and spread thin. Surprisingly however, I believe this is right where I should be. A place where I can build from scratch who I am. I feel spiritually and mentally, this is my opportunity to start anew and to build myself up with my feelings and thoughts only. For a long time I built myself on society’s opinion and others thoughts and dreams.
I never gave myself a change to figure out what I truly want. On some things, I know that is my interest and what I want to do and be. But at the end of the day, I couldn’t tell you who I am. That’s a scary thing for me.
We only have so much time on this earth. With my may interests, I want to use my time to really dive into them. I’ve always loved fashion and style. But never got into it because I didn’t think I was worth it. I love fitness, but I’ve always given up when I didn’t see immediate progress. But most of all, I love creating. Writing and just creating something has always been a thing that made me happy. That’s why I started blogging in the first place. I am not trying out the whole writing a book thing now.
But something has changed with these things. Instead of shying away from things, I am going to embrace them. Many of us have different passions. I used to think that was wrong but now I have found that it’s what makes us unique.
This journey I feel is not only for me personally but for me to share. We can all change our lives around if we put in effort and reflect on our past and dream and work towards our future. That is what I set out to do. Embrace my fears and acknowledge my dream. However small or big they are.
ANDREA OTHELA, XOXO
