I’m sure that we can all agree that 2020 was a year that we weren’t expecting and quite frank, a year that we could have done without. Nonetheless, for me, it was a year that I needed. Doesn’t mean I enjoyed it! But I definitely needed it.
Getting straight to the point, 2020, and even the end of 2019 was a moment of demolition for me. A time in my life where everything crumbled all at the same time. I had to retake medic school, only to be paused because of covid, got into a relationship that completely destroyed me, my health declined, my scoliosis and I fight on the regular now, depression and anxiety have hit me like a Rogue wave, drowning me over the past 6 months, and isolation has become my best friend.
My strategy of fixing the problem turned into running away from things, getting a new job, over working myself, and buying an impulse puppy during covid. Needless to say the only good think that came out of is are the Covid pups as I like to call them. The point of the matter is, the things I did wanted to change things around for the better actually made things worse.
Reaching rock bottom has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to face in my life. But in the end it is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Ending 2020 was the most heartbreaking time and most eye opening time. I was left heartbroken, hopeless, and the booming feeling of loneliness was always around. But then something changed.
Getting the new job has had its good moments and its not so great moments but most important it introduced me back to my faith through the people there and the patients I run on.
The past few years, God and I weren’t that close. Yeah he was there, yes I believed in him, but did I have faith and trust He could handle my burdens and actually make my life better? No. Absolutely not. I thought quite the opposite. I thought I was forgotten and was not special enough to capture his attention.
Now that I reflect on the past year, I have come to realize I had His attention the entire time. The reason why I call 2020 a year of demolition is because it was just that. A breaking down period of myself to remove all that was not good for me or what I idolized. God stripped everything away so that with bare bones I could focus on Him and His glory. Not just to continue to do my own thing and failing miserably at it.
Dedicating my life back to Christ has been one giant upward slope of understanding, discernment, and peace. I feel that God knew all along what my plan was and gave me mercy to be here where I am today. Yes, 2020 sucked. I’d throw it away if I still had my old mindset. But it was the biggest lesson that my soul very much needed.
That lesson being that I am not great enough to defeat my own problems or burdens. But He is. I will never live up to the perfections I set for myself, but I am perfectly imperfect. Life is not easy, for some time for me, getting out of bed was not easy. But relinquishing my burdens on God, it became easy. Living for God, and not myself has been a time of change and transformation. I’m nowhere near where I need to be. But I am forever thankful I am not where I was last year.
sustain me, my God, according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed. Uphold me, and I will be delivered; I will always have regard for your decrees.
psalm 119:116-117
Leaving me with bare bones, as I like to call it has left me in a place to truly open my eyes and reflect. It has helped me focus on what truly matters, and that is my relationship with God. Yesterday I started my 21 days of fasting. Already, I am feeling the difference in me. I can’t wait to see all the things God reveals to me through this journey. 2020 may have been the most chaotic time in my life, and in all our lives. But I can definitely say it has left a reminder to take each day as an opportunity, and a new beginning.
I don’t know what this year is going to pull out of its, but I am excited and filed with hope for once in my life, that it’s going to be good.
