When I started the year 2022, I prayed for transformation. That was the word that I felt was for me. Little did I know that it would take me through a change that isolated me in a way I did not see coming.
I found myself questioning everything. Was going back to school right for me? Was being a paramedic a good idea? Was I actually a real paramedic because I wasn’t working on the trucks anymore? Did I still want to write? Was starting a lifestyle/stationery company an impulse decision? How did I expect to find time to date or have a social life with working full time and going to school full time? Why was I not losing weight?
All in all, I was wrestling with relinquishing control and letting God deal with it all. Let me tell you, fighting for control led me down a dark hole. Hitting rock bottom was the best thing that could have happened to me.
Some steps need to be taken alone. It’s the only way to really figure out where you need to be.
– Mandy Hale
Going through the period of questioning everything in my head and landing in isolation with myself put me in a position where I had no other option but to face God head-on with the conversations I never had with Him and bring closure for me, which I am still processing as a write this.
It took me a while to finally see the light. For a while, meaning I was barely functioning for the first 9 months of 2022. I let God take his time with me. Now realizing the only thing that mattered to me was my peace and my happiness with Christ.
Through my conversations, I realized I lived in a state of constant fear and insecurity. Fear of standing out on anything is why I constantly devalued anything I may be good at. I thought I did not deserve anything good that ever happened to me. Insecure about stepping into womanhood, not healing from childhood trauma. You name it, I always could turn into something negative or a coincidence.
‘No, he couldn’t possibly think me attractive.’
‘I’m going to fail anyway why try’
‘I shouldn’t go to the gym, people will stare at me.’
‘I can’t be a content creator, my skin tone is too dark, and I’m too big. People will judge me and hate it.’
‘It’s too late to try again with the school. You’ll never be a surgeon.
‘You will always be alone.’
I always lived a life that kept me hidden and kept me from living my truth in order to not be noticed. I also never did things I liked due to what I thought others what think, and not about how happy it would make me.
That mindset is something I perfected over the past 25 years. I broke up with that mindset last year. Now I start the year with a few things in place of the past key things I thought.
‘I am deserving of good things’
‘It’s never too late to accomplish your dreams’
‘You are able to express yourself through content creation. Someone out there needs to hear/see it’
‘You are capable of learning anything’
‘You are still a good medic’
‘You are not alone. Christ is with you and so is your family and friends, even if its a small circle that is all your need!’
‘It’s okay to love your body as your work to better it! Go to the gym and love it!’
‘You get to be happy’
‘You can be a woman of many passions. It’s okay’
‘Jesus has not forgotten you. He has actually chosen you’
I chose you. I wanted you. I appointed you. I set you where you are.
-John 15:16
In saying all this, I am more than excited to share this year with you all! Let the journey begin!
